marcus

aug nineteen unexpected tears washed away my world. my mind ached. my heart broke into shards. my soul tore itself apart. until today i cry inside of myself asking why i still live this bad dream. i want to wake up. i want to bolt and dash to where he is. if only that's possible. if only i can do anything to take care of him. to show him i loved him. to prove i can be better than some guy i now envy. right. some guy. i hate myself for not being able to face this like i should. i hate myself for rejecting reality. i hate myself for crying over what isnt mine. i hate myself for not being happy for him instead.. if he's content with him then i should be alright too since i have always been praying to my dear Lord for the happiness he deserves. but i couldnt. i cant keep myself from crying. i cant keep my blood from boiling when i think of it. i'm not actually feeling anger. i'm feeling jealousy. infact i'm green with envy. he was the one he chose to love. he's the luckiest person in the world. had my Love picked a girl to care for him, i wouldnt feel too bad. i have always prayed for the best for him. if this is the happiness he wants, i cant do anything about it. it's jut that i didnt think it was gonna be this painful--knowing he's in love with someone i could potentially like too as a heterosexual. he's killing me. and darned bad that he doesnt know about it. i get weak when i hear his voice. my chest tightens and my primer and power pumps stop functioning. i lose my breath. my vision gets cloudy from the tears trickling from my oculars. i'm ready to be tagged as a neuro patient. but you know what all these has done to me generally? it made me succumb for him deeper. i'm falling head first, plunging into this dark pit that ends in nothingness. i dont hate him. i adore him still. every little bit of him. i dont care if he's gay. i'm gonna die his name etched inside me. who cares? i'll love who i wanna love. and who i wanna love is him alone. i'm never gonna be completely happy anymore. if i end up with somebody else, it wouldnt bring me the joy i really dream of. i'm afraid i have to maintain distance from the other guy first. i'm afraid i can never return the love he says he has for me. i told him it will be hard to forget a guy i have devoted myself for a long time already. for more than five years i have loved him. i dont mind loving him for another five more. or even six or seven. whatever. why? i cant answer that. Love doesnt need the company of Explanation anyway.